still no way out of the dark....?

it has been now 4,5 month since she left and I thought it would have been enough time to forget and come over that but actually it is still hurting to see pictures of her or hear different things about her...

I have met a very nice, kind and insightful person who understood my situation, she even made me lough and feel good and also made me become a golfer ... something my ex-wife could not kick off ... but I behaved very bad... why... maybe I got too much of "care", is it that I challenge everyone with her - still - but why... I have just stepped out of this and this in a very unprofessional way...

sometimes I would like to kill myself for this behaviour but what for... it is so unfair...

Will I ever know what I am really looking for?
Will I ever allow someone to come such close to me again?
Will I always be afraid of beeing hurt in such a way again?

Question but no answers... hiding in work and travelling like hell is helping to distract from the truth but it helps at least a bit to survive... I wish I could get known to someone whom I can fell trust, honesty and love with again...