This is not the midlife crisis I would have expected...

Has been a long time since I posted here but as I feel pretty shit at the moment I see certain things happening again like it happened with Katharina.

I took too much care and did not see that beeing taken care of can have different reactions on the other side. I worked hard to have this life, to be the "selfmade" guy but what I have missed was to look in detail on what's going on with her. But I dont think it is right to blame myself for all as I did not change that much. Yes, I got more quiet, less parties, less messing around, more family, more countryside and more daddy.

I could not see that she was starting to live a separate life and when certain behaviours got my attention it was way too late. I was beeing lied to, was betrayed and treated like an idiot.

I dont think I would have done what I did if there were no kids around but I do also have learned from the padt. However, I am doing things that go way beyond my core feelings and I do those things because I think it is important and I do not want to say one day " I did not try enough". On the other side I do see so less and get back just little signs but beeing someone with emotions and feelings it is not enough. I heard and read that it will take time but I am not sure that I have this energy to survive as it's tearing me apart and she simply does not see it as she is busy with work, with colleagues, with kids and her own life. I feel like a passenger on a long haul flight who booked the eco seats and cannot change the programme on the TV. Should I just jump out and bring it to an end... an end that will hurt me and that will hurt much more my kids? Kids... having gone through this I catch myself asking me if O is even my son or is he somebodies son? With her having done that to me I do not feel safe to trust and question everything now.

What shall I do?