Ignorance and non-caring...

She is coming even tough of stress and a lot of work with happiness home. Similar to the period before I figured out she was cheating on me. Does it happen again, after a short break and checking if things (or I) calm down...?

She talks a lot about work when she comes home but not really much about herself and more importantly "us". She does not see - or does not want to see - how sad I am actually and also is not caring enough to try to dig deeper and touch rock-bottom with me. I see this as ignorance.

Another example to show why I say "non caring" happened just a few minutes back. Last year I planted with my own hand new grass. Some spots did not get green and for the third time I am re-focusing on those areas. Last thing was now that I bought so called "grass pads" and put them there. I am watering them twice a day and hope that it will cover that soil in a few weeks with green grass.
Guess what she did on purpose: When I said please be careful there and don't put the kids wind-mills into that spot she scratched that surface with the stick - such as saying "I hear what you say but I don't care at all", I hit her with that stick on her pants. I should have not done that but why is she being so ignorant and provoking me in such a way?

Whenever I see her these days I see her with him together, how he is kissing her, holding her in his arms, how he undressed her in that hotel room, how he put his parts all over and in her. It's just so disgusting to realize that the person you loved spent her so cheaply with that guy.

The more I think and reflect and the level of current attention including absolutely no personal touching at intimate parts, and "sex - what is that?", the more I loose the interest in her.

It's just so difficult to manage all at the same time now: Kids, getting own business set up or find job, pay almost all bills (yes, household and fixed costs mainly paid by myself; she says sometimes she needs to pay now - but it stays with that statement only, no actions at all). Breaking up and managing also that on top of the shit I have plus my health issues are putting me on the edge of what I can digest at the moment.

What should I do?

Some interesting statements from the pope which I think make sense and they are also kind of a useful guide for those who seem to have trouble or believe they have trouble in their relationship

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/04/08/473494133/some-relationship-advice-from-pope-francis?utm_content=buffer6ad7a&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

This is not the midlife crisis I would have expected...

Has been a long time since I posted here but as I feel pretty shit at the moment I see certain things happening again like it happened with Katharina.

I took too much care and did not see that beeing taken care of can have different reactions on the other side. I worked hard to have this life, to be the "selfmade" guy but what I have missed was to look in detail on what's going on with her. But I dont think it is right to blame myself for all as I did not change that much. Yes, I got more quiet, less parties, less messing around, more family, more countryside and more daddy.

I could not see that she was starting to live a separate life and when certain behaviours got my attention it was way too late. I was beeing lied to, was betrayed and treated like an idiot.

I dont think I would have done what I did if there were no kids around but I do also have learned from the padt. However, I am doing things that go way beyond my core feelings and I do those things because I think it is important and I do not want to say one day " I did not try enough". On the other side I do see so less and get back just little signs but beeing someone with emotions and feelings it is not enough. I heard and read that it will take time but I am not sure that I have this energy to survive as it's tearing me apart and she simply does not see it as she is busy with work, with colleagues, with kids and her own life. I feel like a passenger on a long haul flight who booked the eco seats and cannot change the programme on the TV. Should I just jump out and bring it to an end... an end that will hurt me and that will hurt much more my kids? Kids... having gone through this I catch myself asking me if O is even my son or is he somebodies son? With her having done that to me I do not feel safe to trust and question everything now.

What shall I do?

1 + 1 = 3

one weekend in sweden - it changed our life...

Dec. 1st, 31mm... Dec. 10th, 40mm... and still growing

I am so happy and can not describe in words what I feel, I am the most happy and proud person on this planet, my beautiful princess and I - we are getting our fruit of love, we are becoming parents...

Therese, you are so special and I am so happy that I met you, your smile, the shining in your eyes, the taste of your lips, the smell of your hair and the softness of your skin... what have I done to be honoured in sharing the rest of our life together?

And i cant wait until the summer to see our baby lying in your arms and competing with your charm and smile... I love my little family...

Long weekend - lot of thoughts - lot of love

She is just away for 4 days but this is kind of a proof if I really love her or not... i do love her... really, she is in my mind and my soul... i miss her grey-blue eyes in the morning when i wake up and she is lying in my arms, I miss her soft lips giving me a good morning kiss as she gives me a kiss before we fall asleep, I miss her body lying half on my, the soft breeze of her nose on my neck...

It went quite fast but it is like beeing with her since a long time, I feel so happy with her and it is like having found "home" now...

There are only two thing that I do not want to think now... one is that we have to take a decision soon what to do as time is passing so fast - too fast... the other thing is that too many people get involved in topics that are not their business at all, why are they so jealous under the so called smoke screen of "protecting an innocent little girl"...

Baby - I do not know when I am ready to share this site with you as it gives you so deep insight into my past and how I felt but you are someone very special to me and I really do not want to loose you... I could not think that a wonderful thing like this could happen to me like what I can share with you at the moment and I hope that we can keep this as long as possible... I will do all I can to keep this going on...

I love you so much... I would like to share much more with you but I do not want to overrun you with my feelings... Baby - hope that you feel the same...

my sweet secret...

... back from a fantastic vacation and fallen totally in love ...

Life can be so much different...

I thought never that I could feel so much for someone very special again but it did happen. She is cute, shy and give so much feelings and energy back... and the most important thing is - I stopped missing my ex-wife...

Even beeing in love again I am still concerned about what if... so still thinking with my head and not letting my heart decide even when sometimes it is difficult not to listen...

Either this will be a nice time or it could become more than it seems to be... it's all about Kismet... someone has decided what should happen to me and I believe in this...

But first comes a vacation, all booked and spending a beautiful time with her to start a new period in her and my life... Bodrum - hopefully this time a place to remember with much more positive then negative memories...

I really would like to say that I love you so much... but need to be sure not to get burnt again...